Help! I Can’t Put My Baby Down!

How many times has this happened to you? Baby is fed, changed, and happily sleeping on your chest. You carefully transfer her to her crib. But the moment you put her down, she startles awake and beings to scream.

What happened? Why won’t she sleep on her own?!

My daughter, Roo, was exactly this type of child. A stage 5 clinger. She wanted nothing to do with anything unless she was being held. She would easily fall asleep in my arms, or sleep on my chest for hours. But the moment I tried to put her down, she would wake up, and be none to happy about her new location. I have no idea how many hours of my life I have lost being stuck under a sleeping baby. The very best gift I received as a new mom was a night where my sister held Roo all night long so that I could actually sleep.

I tried to fix it. I read books, I googled like a crazy lady, I tried every tip and trick I could possibly find. But despite all of the research, I never stumbled across the real reason why I couldn’t put my child down without her waking and crying.

What my research didn’t tell me was that her behavior was totally normal and it was okay.

The Real Reason You Can’t Put Your Baby Down

I thought I had realistic expectations about becoming a parent. I fully anticipated rocking her to sleep and not getting a lot of sleep myself. But it never occurred to me that I wouldn’t be able to put my child down. EVER. Not even when she was in a dead sleep. Because that’s what we see all of the time. A mom rocking her baby and then putting them down in the crib asleep. But surprise! This isn’t actually how human babies are made. Baby humans are born very underdeveloped, and are meant to stay with their mother all of the time. This is not the pretty picture that we are presented with in western culture. Modern life doesn’t exactly match up with infant sleep norms.

So let me set the real expectation.

It’s Not Picture Perfect

The baby product commercials. The magazine pictures. The marketing on every baby sleep product ever. It’s always a picture of a baby sleeping peacefully by themselves in a crib or bassinet. It’s also common for new parents to be asked if baby is sleeping through the night. Our culture places great value in independence. But that is not the reality of a baby. Babies are designed to be with their mothers at all times. Worse, we’ve received this unintentional message from society that if baby isn’t sleeping independently, than something must be wrong with the baby. Either that, or you’re a bad mom.

But it’s not true. There is nothing wrong with baby, and you are definitely not a bad mom. It’s normal, it’s okay, and you’re doing great.

Congratulations, It’s a Fetus

Have you heard the term “fourth trimester“? After 40 weeks of being pregnant, you might not believe me when I say that babies are born too early. But, it’s true. Humans have ridiculously large heads, and have to be born early or else they would never fit through the mother’s pelvis. I know this all too well. I delivered at 42 weeks, and Roo’s head was so big, she got stuck in my pelvis, and needed a different exit plan. Just those two extra weeks had made a huge difference.

Due to their early arrivals, a baby’s brain is just 25% the size of an adult’s brain. This makes them completely and utterly dependent on mom. The only defense they have is a built in alert system that allows them to recognize when mom is not near. All they ever knew when they were inside was warmth, and movement, and the sound and smell of mom. On the outside, they recognize when those things are taken away from them, and it triggers their stress response. They cry, to alert mom to their needs and bring her back. Even if she was just trying to go to the bathroom.

Kanga and Little Roo

My daughter got her nickname because she is the Roo to my Kanga, my little pocket baby who always refused to be put down. Humans are carry animals, just like primates and marsupials. We are literally meant to carry our children all of the time when they are babies. By carrying them, we meet their biological need for food, warmth, security, and protection. Also, human milk is relatively low fat and is digested quickly, so baby needs to stay close to feed often.

What To Do When You Can’t Put Baby Down

Realistically, we can’t be stuck under a sleeping baby all day, every day. Modern life is busy and we need to be able to maintain our homes, relationships, work, and self. I got really good at doing things one handed. But life changed when I started baby wearing. Suddenly, I was hands free and could move about the world. I could cook, clean, even go to the bathroom without having to juggle a baby. Learning how to breastfeed in a baby carrier was another life changing event. After that, Roo lived in her carrier, and was happy as a clam. All of her biologic needs for warmth, comfort, touch, movement and security were being met.

Overnight, I kept her close at hand in a bedside bassinet and then eventually a sidecar. This allowed us to be safely within arms reach of each other all night long, while still maintaining our own sleep spaces. She was close enough for me to touch, and I was close enough for her to smell. The added benefit of this was the easy access for night time feedings. I was able to slide her close to feed and then scoot her back over when she was done. She allowed this transition, because I was still touching her, and would stay asleep. Finally, we all started getting some sleep.

It’s Normal, You’re Doing Great

I truly believe that we have made parenting so much harder than it has to be by having false expectations and unrealistic ideas of what is normal. Your baby wanting to be with you and near you all of the time is completely normal. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier, but hopefully it will help you recognize that you are doing a great job and there is nothing wrong with you or your baby. We are carry animals. Our babies are so underdeveloped when they are born, that we have to keep them close. The modern construct of a baby sleeping on their own is unrealistic. By understanding this, we can lose the shame and start to develop real solutions that work with baby’s needs and biology.

If you haven’t tried baby wearing yet, I highly recommend it. Let me know in the comments what else has been working for you.